The Story of Kyle and the Shark

By: Mark McGrath and Michael Cuglietta

ACT I

FADE IN:

KYLE’S APARTMENT

The opening set is Kyle’s apartment, which is rather messy with dirty clothes and other like items thrown about.

Stage left there is a front door and a kitchen area with a counter and a few cabinets and/or drawers and a burner/stove in it.

Further stage left is a jury box, which is a permanent fixture throughout the entirety of the play. The jury box is visible to the audience and actors, but the faces of the jurors cannot be seen due to lighting. Each juror wears a judge’s gown and holds a gavel.

Center stage, connecting the kitchen to stage right is a couch facing up stage. Stage right is a window with a set of blinds that are half open and sitting on a chair in front of that window is where we meet the apartment’s soul resident, Kyle.

Kyle is wearing an opened bathrobe that exposes a pair of boxer shorts and a white cotton t-shirt. He is sitting in the chair looking through a pair of binoculars through the small cracks in the closed blinds. He is drinking coffee and chain smoking cigarettes, ignoring a persistent, violent cough. As he looks out the cracks he moves his free hand over his groin, stroking himself in a sexual manner.

KYLE

(To himself)

Come on baby. That’s right, unclip it. Unclip it. You don’t want a tan line. Don’t be shy, let her oil you down; those UV rays can be dangerous.

The door to the apartment is suddenly and violently thrown open, but stopped by a chain-lock that allows the intruder a three-inch crack to peek through.

Startled, Kyle spills the coffee on his robe and jumps up from the chair.

KYLE

Aahh, not on the robe, not on the God damn robe.

He sets the coffee on the window sill.

BONITA

Hello? Mr. Kyle, Hello. I hear you, why you have door locked?

Kyle walks towards the door while tying his robe and blotting coffee off with his hand and examining the new brown stain.

KYLE

Jesus Christ. All over the place.

He reaches the door and unlocks it, allowing Bonita, a short and aging Cuban lady, to barge in carrying a large cardboard box filled with bags of groceries.

BONITA

Mr. Kyle…Hello.

KYLE

Hello Bonita. What is it now?

She ignores him as she sets the box on the counter.

BONITA
Why you lock the door Mr. Kyle, all the time you lock the door?

KYLE

I like my privacy.

After setting the box on the counter, she pulls out a can of Lysol from it and starts walking around the room spraying it on everything; Kyle tries his best to avoid the fumes.

BONITA

Is no good to lock doors, bad to keep people out, what if something happens to you?

KYLE

I assume you’d probably barge in no matter what the obstacle, the fact you knock seems more of a technicality than pleasantry.

BONITA

Don’t get smart Mr. Kyle, nobody likes smart Alecs.

While spraying, she also picks up some clothes and tries to, more or less, tidy up the place.

KYLE

Bonita, you don’t have to do that.

BONITA

It stinks in here.

She fakes an over dramatic cough, fanning the air in front of her face with her hands.

BONITA
And why is it so dark, is like a dungeon in here.

She whips opens the blinds causing sunlight to pour into the apartment. Kyle is right behind her now, the light seems to hurt his eyes and he turns away.

BONITA

Mr. Gregory sent me.

Looking out the window, she loses her breath, again, over dramatically.

BONITA

Now we understand why you spend so much time in here, those girls aren’t wearing clothes. Sinful. Sinful.

She looks down and discovers the half empty pack of cigarettes sitting by the coffee cup on the window sill.

BONITA

Look at this coffee, how you drink such coffee?

KYLE

I can clean up after myself.

Bonita throws the cigarettes to the ground and sprays them with Lysol.

BONITA

Mr. Gregory says no smoking. Bad for you.

KYLE

Mr. Gregory says no smoking? Mr. Kyle says get the hell out of this apartment.

BONITA

(grabbing his mouth)

You watch that mouth.

Kyle walks to the bag of groceries as Bonita cleans up a bit more, Lysol at the ready.

KYLE

What is all this junk?

BONITA

Fresh vegetables, fruits, pork chop.

KYLE

Pork Chop? I told you, I don’t eat pork chop.

(slowing)

No chop of pork. No pork of chop. Si?

BONITA

Nonsense, you need pork chop, you’re skin and bones.

She grabs open his robe and he jumps to pull it shut.

KYLE

Hey, get out of there.

BONITA

(laughing)

I’m flattered Mr. Kyle.

She gets a kick out of this and laughs even louder. Kyle ignores her as he pulls a cigarette from a secret stash in one of the drawers.

BONITA

All you do is sit around and smoke and drink coffee, spying on naked women, I’m surprised you can move anything down there at all, especially for an old woman like me. Imagine what I would have done to you twenty years ago.

She continues to laugh at her self as she pulls out groceries from the bags. The pork chops are on the counter ready for cleaving.

Kyle stares at her in annoyance as he lights his cigarette and addresses the jury.

KYLE

See what I have to put up with. Ever since my parents died I got my uncle sending this Latina Jude Cleaver over here to drive me crazy.

Bonita takes the cigarette from his mouth throws it to the ground and sprays it with Lysol.

BONITA

No smoke.

KYLE

You see?

As he is talking he pours a hearty shot of liquor into his mug from a bottle he retrieves from the same hiding place the cigarettes were in.

KYLE

She’s worse than my mother and grandmother combined. Worse than any girlfriend I’ve ever had. All the women in my life, even complete strangers, something Bonita once was and I try my best to keep as such, are constantly trying to run my life. Its nag, nag, nag. I’m going out of my mind. And lately I’ve been feeling pretty frustrated, if you know what I mean.

He walks stage right towards the window sill.

KYLE

My apartment overlooks a pool and the playboy bunnies down there are constantly oiling each other up. Ah…those oiled down thighs glistening between the June sun and the cool deck. What I wouldn’t give.

He stands at the window salivating and addressing the invisible ladies.

KYLE

It’s been so long, way too long. I wanna floss my teeth with your g-string baby. Please have some pity on a lonely boy. A lonely and troubled boy. Both my parents have died. Take pity on me, take pleasure in my devotion to you.

He turns away from the window, propping his ass on the window ledge and opening his robe, looking down at himself. Bonita has walked across the room unnoticed by Kyle.

KYLE

For you’ll receive no pleasure from me otherwise, we both know that. But I’m hurting.

(grabbing his crotch)

I’m hurting so bad.

BONITA

Enough, disgusting boy.

She closes the blinds behind him and heads back towards the kitchen. Kyle takes a shot from his mug and then another.

KYLE

Bonita?

BONITA

Yes Mr. Kyle.

KYLE

I need to talk with my uncle.

He crosses stage left.

BONITA

Mr. Gregory is a very important man, very busy.

KYLE

He’s gonna have to make time. I need to speak to him.

BONITA

You need money?

KYLE

What the hell?

She covers his mouth again.

BONITA

Watch that mouth.

KYLE

What kind of a question is that? Do I need money? Of course I need money… I need my money.

BONITA

Mr. Kyle play slot machines last night? How much you lose?

KYLE

I did not play and even if I did, it’s none of your business. Besides, my doctor says that slot machines are a good way to get my mind off of everything else.

BONITA

I believe your doctor is pulling your leg, must own the casino too. Poor Mr. Kyle throws all his money away in machines. You drink too much. When you drink you play machines and smoke nasty cigarettes. Then you wake and drink bad coffee and smoke nasty cigarettes. Poor boy. No mommy and daddy. I make pork chop. You eat, feel better, then we go see Mr. Gregory.

Again, Kyle addresses the jury as Bonita continues to cook. He circles her, looking over her shoulder, as if talking to her exclusively, though in the third person.

KYLE

Again with the cooking. I say no pork chop. She says, yes pork chop. I take pork chop from her…

He takes the pork chop from the plate in front of Bonita and throws it in the trash bin.

KYLE

She takes it back….

Bonita takes the pork chop from the basket and puts back on plate.

BONITA

High heat kills bad germs, don’t worry Mr. Kyle, we’ll make you better in no time, pork chop always make Bonita feel better.

KYLE

(still addressing jury)

Bonita always feels better, I don’t understand it, it’s as if she gets off on Lysol. Ahh, Lysol.

He scratches at his skin.

KYLE

It’s everywhere, I can’t get it off of me, I can’t get it out of here. Lysol and pork chop, pork chop and Lysol. How can one man take all this? I plead to you, how can one man take all this? The Lysol, the pork chops, the naked woman and their oils, my God their oils.

BONITA

Ooh, smells good Mr. Kyle, pork chop be ready sooner than you think.

Kyle walks back to the window.

BONITA

Don’t you get any ideas Mr. Kyle, those girls are sinful, doesn’t mean you need be…

Starts laughing ahead of her self

BONITA

... and you too skinny now as is, can’t afford to lose anymore weight.

Kyle sighs, defeated by her laugher. He sits down at the window and speaks to the invisible women outside.

The LIGHTS GO OUT over the kitchen as Kyle looks down to the ladies below.

KYLE

Is it four already, must you ladies really go, the sun isn’t going anywhere, why should you?

Kyle starts slowly walking backwards, not paying attention to where he’s going, but only to the window and goods outside of it.

As he gets closer to stage left the LIGHTS GO ON to show Kyle’s Uncle Gregory’s office and the LIGHTS GO OFF over the window and stage right. Replacing the counter and cupboards is a large desk and behind it is an executive leather chair, official and alone, with Gregory, a tall man, full head of hair, in a suit, talking on the phone. Along with the desk are two smaller chairs for visitors to sit in. There are also some bookshelves and filing cabinets in the background to break up the stage.

The jury box is still in the dark, downstage left.

Kyle finally turns around and walks to the chair as if just walking into the office with an appointment. His uncle notices Kyle when Kyle reaches the chairs and motions impatiently for him to take a seat. Kyle fumbles with the chair, but finally sits down just as his uncle hangs up the phone, jumping on Kyle immediately with curt indifference to Kyle’s mood.

GREGORY

Kyle, good to see you, you look like shit. I assume you’ve been up all night consuming alcohol and God knows what else.

Kyle begins to speak up to defend himself, but is stopped by Gregory who puts up a finger to silence his nephew.

GREGORY

As you know I am a very busy man. I hope you can respect that and proceed with the meat and potatoes.

KYLE

I need to talk about my doctor.

GREGORY

Doctor? Are you sick? Hurt your wrist from sitting in that apartment I pay for all day?

KYLE

Yes I’m sick. I mean my doctor seems to think so… and you don’t pay for anything so don’t kid yourself.

Gregory chooses to ignore Kyle’s last comment.

GREGORY

Your doctor? You mean your shrink, of course she’s gonna tell you you’re sick. Do you think she’d make any money sending everyone home thinking they were healthy? You gotta think about these things son.

KYLE

Did you tell the bank not to allot me money for my prescriptions?

GREGORY

Those drugs are no good. You wanna prescription? I’ll give you a prescription, stay busy, stay active. Look at me. I run a very successful RV rental business. I have a beautiful wife at home with, may I remind you, a bun in the oven. I coach a district winning basketball team at the YMCA. And I still manage to find my way to the gym five, sometimes even six nights a week. You’re turning into putty on us son. We need to form you, mold you into a fine young man.

KYLE

I need my money so I can see my doctor.

GREGORY

You need to get yourself enrolled in school. I understand you like to sleep-in and spend your days fantasizing about your neighbors. That’s why I researched some night classes at the university. I was thinking systems administration and introduction to economics.

Gregory throws several college booklets across the desk, which half fall into Kyle’s lap and half on the floor.

GREGORY

No reflexes either I see. Another condition of laziness. It’s a wonder we’re even related, something I’d check into if I weren’t so busy with other things.

KYLE

I want my money.

GREGORY

Your parents…God rest their souls…entrusted me as the proprietor of your inheritance. As such, I feel—

KYLE

I was a minor when they died…I’m twenty-three now.

GREGORY

Please Kyle, your parents would never have allowed you to be so rude to your elders, now about this money issue, we’ve already gone over this a hundred times—

Kyle starts to speak aloud to the jury as Gregory continues to move his mouth and gesture as if talking to Kyle.

KYLE

Okay so you’re probably wondering what’s going on at this point. Why I can’t have my inheritance? Or more so, what inheritance?

Kyle gets up from the chair and faces the darkened jury dead on while Gregory continues his silent arbitration.

KYLE

Why am I forced to go through this guy? Am I crazy or something? I know it must look bad. But I’m not crazy. There was one little incident. One stupid thing in my past. I’m not proud of it, but, you know—

Gregory finally speaks up.

GREGORY

One little incident? One little slip up? Is that what we’re calling it now?

Gregory now stands and faces the jury.

GREGORY

Dumb ass here—

KYLE

Dumb ass?

GREGROY

Oh, I’m sorry, I forgot.

(to jury)

Kyle has emotional problems.

(whispering condescendingly)

He’s very sensitive.

(beat)

Anyway, fruit loops here decided to celebrate his sixteenth birthday by washing a bottle of aspirin down with a bottle of Jack Daniels.

KYLE

You’re making it sound worse then it was.

(to jury)

He’s making it sound worse then it really was.

GREGORY

You’re brain shut down for ten minutes. They almost had to put you on life support.

(to jury)

He was in a coma for three days. And when he woke-up he was so doped-up the genius tried to slit his wrist with a plastic knife from the hospital cafeteria.

KYLE

I was sixteen years old. You never made any mistakes when you were a kid?

GREGORY

By the time I was sixteen I had started my own business.

KYLE

Both my parents were killed by a shark that year.

GREGORY

Excuses, excuses.

KYLE

Excuses? The rescuers, though I question how much rescuing they did, only recovered enough limbs to make up one body, the rest is in the gullet of that shark, swimming around the God damn Atlantic.

GREGORY

Tell them why you really swallowed those pills, it wasn’t because of you’re parents.

KYLE

God damn shark.

GREGORY

What was her name? Jennifer…no, no it was…Jessica, that’s it, Jessica.

KYLE

I told you never to mention that name.

GREGORY

(to jury)

Jessica was his high school sweetheart and on his sixteenth birthday she stopped spreading her legs for him.

One of the jury members pounds the gavel and stands up. A figure stands and walks into the light closer to center stage. She takes off her black robe and hangs it on a coat hook that is near the jury stands. Below she is wearing a knee length skirt and tank top. Her name is Jessica.

JESSICA

You don’t have to be so crude Gregory.

KYLE

(falling to his knees)

Jessica, it’s been so long.

JESSICA

Stand-up Kyle, you’re embarrassing yourself in front of a Jury of your peers.

GREGORY

I like this girl.

KYLE

Jessica you haven’t changed.

JESSICA

Thanks.

KYLE

You’re still bitchy.

JESSICA

Excuse me.

KYLE

You still treat me like shit. You’ve always treated me like shit.

JESSICA

That’s not true Kyle. I was in love with you.

KYLE

Was in love with me.

JESSICA

Kyle we were sixteen. How long did you really expect it to last?

KYLE

I was distraught, my parents had just been killed and then you ended things, it was more then I could take.

Gregory has made his way closer to Jessica as if to side with her.

JESSICA

I know your parents had died, but it was over before that, you know it was.

KYLE

No I don’t.

GREGORY

Come on Kyle, sack up.

Jessica gives Gregory an un-approving look before continuing.

JESSICA

It was over Kyle, we had nothing left to say to each other, we got bored, it was time to move on and I wasn’t going to stay with you just because your parents were killed. I thought about it, but it wouldn’t have been right. I’ll always think fondly about our time together.

KYLE

(unbelieving)

Please.

JESSICA

I mean it. You were my first real boyfriend.

KYLE

You never even came to the hospital.

JESSICA

Yes I did, I held your hand while you were in your coma.

KYLE

Cuz you felt guilty.

JESSICA